Dear Dad, 

I wish that you could actually read this. I wish that I wasn't just writing this to process these emotions that I have and struggle dealing with.  

I wish that you could read this blog so you could keep up with my life, and my boys' lives. 

And I wish that after 11 years, this would get a little easier. But it hasn't. In fact, I think it has gotten harder. Its harder because of these two boys that bring me so much joy and so much meaning to my life. Its harder because you don't know them, and they will never know you.  

I will make sure they know who you were, but that just doesn't seem good enough. Its not good enough that someone else will take them on their first fishing trip. Its not good enough that you won't get to do any of the Grandpa things that I know you would have loved so much.  

Its harder because you weren't able to be Grandpa to my boys, but you were never able to be Grandpa at all. Bailey turned 10 yesterday, and you were never able to hold her. Hannah never got to "pull your finger." Carson never got to sit down and watch a football game with you. Olivia will never get to play Doctor with you. 

I wish that I didn't have to write these things here, I wish you were here to see them. 

I wish you knew that your grandson, Reagan, is the sweetest boy there ever was. I wish you could look at his baby pictures side-by-side with your baby pictures and see how he favors you. I wish you could hear him sing and whistle, because I know you would whistle right along. 

I wish you knew that your grandson, Kiefer, is the funniest kid around. I wish you could look at his toddler pictures side-by-side with your toddler pictures and see how he favors you. I wish you could hear him laugh and laugh right along.

I wish you knew how stubborn they both were, because you'd laugh at me and tell me its paybacks. 

I wish they could sit on your lap. Give you hugs. Play hide and seek with you. I wish you could take them to the lake. Take them to a game. 

But you can't. And that's why it keeps getting harder. Because you never will.

And more than anything, I wish I could sit on your lap. Give you hugs. I wish you could take me

to the lake. Take me to a game. 

But you can't. 

I love you and I always will. 

Andi 

No. Big boy.

Donnie once said something like, "Everyone said how fast they grow, but I didn't know this is what they meant." Like, all the sudden we have these KIDS. Big kids. Big enough, that when I said the other day to Reagan, "Come here, baby boy." He replied, "No. Big boy." 

I wouldn't say it has bothered me just yet, how fast the time seems to be passing. I've always explained, that I sort of looked forward to the next step, the growing up. Because quite frankly, I knew the older they got, the easier it got. (I know, I use the term "easier" quite lightly. But anything is easier to me than those first six months. So that's what I'm basing my theory on.) 

But I am sort of struggling with the fact that I don't have babies anymore. I have kids that tell me what they want to wear, and what they want to eat. And kids that go and get their own tissues to blow their own noses. And take off their clothes by themselves and climb into the bathtub by themselves. And kids that are too stubborn to apologize for hitting their brother. And kids that can almost get in and out of their own car seats (and they are really high up there). And kids that can play outside, on their own, only being supervised through the window. And kids that know that the sky is blue but tell me its pink just to be funny. 

I do miss their baby stages sometimes. But I have about 1900 pictures and hours of video to help me reminisce. Really, I look forward more to what is ahead. Getting to know their personalities as they form.  Finding out what they will look like. Watching them grow closer as brothers, and hopefully BFFs (Grandpa, that's an acronym for Best Friend Forever). Cheering at the first soccer game. Taking off the training wheels. Etc, etc.  But until then, I will oblige when one of them wants me to climb in bed with them at naptime. Or snuggle just another 5 minutes on the couch. Or carry them to the car when I really wish they would walk. Because, before I know it, I'll be begging them to stop growing up. 

Wordless Wednesday's Play by Play

(Don't you just wanna kiss that mouth full of Hershey's Kiss?!)

Easter Baskets

A highlight from our Easter weekend with my family...

Kiefer and Reagan waiting for their Easter baskets...

Diggin' in... notice Reagan's mouth is already full. He spotted a escapee Jelly Bean right away.

Checkin' out the goods...

kiefer allen.

the love of my life. 

your dimple makes me want to kiss your face. 

all day. 

your laugh makes me laugh. 

out loud. 

every day. 

you crack yourself up. 

and everyone else.

your zest for life, for adventure, is inspiring. 

and tiring :) 

you love your brother and want him to be happy. 

you give the best bear hugs. 

so I hear. 

because they are reserved for daddy and brother.

but I get perfect kisses, fish kisses, and blown kisses.

I look at you and I can't imagine a day without you. 

without your hugs. 

your kisses. 

your unconditional love. 

you want to open the door for everyone. 

and close it. 

and open it again. 

you are strong willed and independent. 

and soft hearted and passionate. 

kiefer allen. 

you are the love of my life. 

reagan andrew.

the love of my life.

your eyes literally twinkle.

your smile makes me smile. 

every time.

the way you take care of your brother shows me 

that you are such a good person. 

bringing him his doggy. 

grabbing his hand when he falls. 

you have a heart that wants to help. 

love. 

care. 

you love music and are a fantastic whistler. 

clapper. 

dancer. 

singer. 

I look at you and I can't imagine a day without you. 

without your hugs. 

your kisses. 

your unconditional love. 

I laugh at your stubborn streak.

because I know where it comes from.

and it will get you in trouble. 

and serve you well at the same time.

you have a silly side that makes me laugh out loud. 

every day.

reagan andrew. 

you are the love of my life.  

(sort of) Worldless Wednesday

(these are from my parents' visit over Spring Break. On about day 3, Reagan realized he loved "ma's dogs" and the rest of the week we heard "see dogs" or "hold dogs.")