Dear Dad, 

I wish that you could actually read this. I wish that I wasn't just writing this to process these emotions that I have and struggle dealing with.  

I wish that you could read this blog so you could keep up with my life, and my boys' lives. 

And I wish that after 11 years, this would get a little easier. But it hasn't. In fact, I think it has gotten harder. Its harder because of these two boys that bring me so much joy and so much meaning to my life. Its harder because you don't know them, and they will never know you.  

I will make sure they know who you were, but that just doesn't seem good enough. Its not good enough that someone else will take them on their first fishing trip. Its not good enough that you won't get to do any of the Grandpa things that I know you would have loved so much.  

Its harder because you weren't able to be Grandpa to my boys, but you were never able to be Grandpa at all. Bailey turned 10 yesterday, and you were never able to hold her. Hannah never got to "pull your finger." Carson never got to sit down and watch a football game with you. Olivia will never get to play Doctor with you. 

I wish that I didn't have to write these things here, I wish you were here to see them. 

I wish you knew that your grandson, Reagan, is the sweetest boy there ever was. I wish you could look at his baby pictures side-by-side with your baby pictures and see how he favors you. I wish you could hear him sing and whistle, because I know you would whistle right along. 

I wish you knew that your grandson, Kiefer, is the funniest kid around. I wish you could look at his toddler pictures side-by-side with your toddler pictures and see how he favors you. I wish you could hear him laugh and laugh right along.

I wish you knew how stubborn they both were, because you'd laugh at me and tell me its paybacks. 

I wish they could sit on your lap. Give you hugs. Play hide and seek with you. I wish you could take them to the lake. Take them to a game. 

But you can't. And that's why it keeps getting harder. Because you never will.

And more than anything, I wish I could sit on your lap. Give you hugs. I wish you could take me

to the lake. Take me to a game. 

But you can't. 

I love you and I always will. 

Andi